Innocents Abroad

Contents

Preface

 

Chapter I.

Popular Talk of the Excursion -- Program of the Trip -- Duly Ticketed for the Excursion -- Defection of the Celebrities

Chapter II.

Grand Preparations -- An Imposing Dignitary -- The European Exodus -- Mr. Blucher's Opinion -- Stateroom No. 10 -- The Assembling of the Clans -- At Sea at Last

Chapter III.

"Averaging" the Passengers -- Far, far at Sea. -- Tribulation among the Patriarchs -- Seeking Amusement under Difficulties -- Five Captains in the Ship

Chapter IV.

The Pilgrims Becoming Domesticated -- Pilgrim Life at Sea -- "Horse-Billiards" -- The "Synagogue" -- The Writing School -- Jack's "Journal" -- The "Q. C. Club" -- The Magic Lantern -- State Ball on Deck -- Mock Trials -- Charades -- Pilgrim Solemnity -- Slow Music -- The Executive Officer Delivers an Opinion

Chapter V.

Summer in Mid-Atlantic -- An Eccentric Moon -- Mr. Blucher Loses Confidence -- The Mystery of "Ship Time" -- The Denizens of the Deep -- "Land Hoh" -- The First Landing on a Foreign Shore -- Sensation among the Natives -- Something about the Azores Islands -- Blucher's Disastrous Dinner -- The Happy Result

Chapter VI.

Solid Information -- A Fossil Community -- Curious Ways and Customs -- Jesuit Humbuggery -- Fantastic Pilgrimizing -- Origin of the Russ Pavement -- Squaring Accounts with the Fossils -- At Sea Again

Chapter VII.

A Tempest at Night -- Spain and Africa on Exhibition -- Greeting a Majestic Stranger -- The Pillars of Hercules -- The Rock of Gibraltar -- Tiresome Repetition -- "The Queen's Chair" -- Serenity Conquered -- Curiosities of the Secret Caverns -- Personnel of Gibraltar -- Some Odd Characters -- A Private Frolic in Africa -- Bearding a Moorish Garrison (without loss of life) -- Vanity Rebuked -- Disembarking in the Empire of Morocco

Chapter VIII.

The Ancient City of Tangier, Morocco -- Strange Sights -- A Cradle of Antiquity -- We become Wealthy -- How they Rob the Mail in Africa -- The Danger of being Opulent in Morocco

Chapter IX.

A Pilgrim -- in Deadly Peril -- How they Mended the Clock -- Moorish Punishments for Crime -- Marriage Customs -- Looking Several ways for Sunday -- Shrewd, Practice of Mohammedan Pilgrims -- Reverence for Cats -- Bliss of being a Consul-General

Chapter X.

Fourth of July at Sea -- Mediterranean Sunset -- The "Oracle" is Delivered of an Opinion -- Celebration Ceremonies -- The Captain's Speech -- France in Sight -- The Ignorant Native -- In Marseilles -- Another Blunder -- Lost in the Great City -- Found Again -- A Frenchy Scene

Chapter XI.

Getting used to it -- No Soap -- Bill of Fare, Table d'hote -- "An American Sir" -- A Curious Discovery -- The "Pilgrim" Bird -- Strange Companionship -- A Grave of the Living -- A Long Captivity -- Some of Dumas' Heroes -- Dungeon of the Famous "Iron Mask."

Chapter XII.

A Holiday Flight through France -- Summer Garb of the Landscape -- Abroad on the Great Plains -- Peculiarities of French Cars -- French Politeness American Railway Officials -- "Twenty Minutes to Dinner!" -- Why there are no Accidents -- The "Old Travelers" -- Still on the Wing -- Paris at Last -- French Order and Quiet -- Place of the Bastille -- Seeing the Sights -- A Barbarous Atrocity -- Absurd Billiards

Chapter XIII.

More Trouble -- Monsieur Billfinger -- Re-Christening the Frenchman -- In the Clutches of a Paris Guide -- The International Exposition -- Fine Military Review -- Glimpse of the Emperor Napoleon and the Sultan of Turkey

Chapter XIV.

The Venerable Cathedral of Notre-Dame -- Jean Sanspeur's Addition -- Treasures and Sacred Relics -- The Legend of the Cross -- The Morgue -- The Outrageous 'Can-Can' -- Blondin Aflame -- The Louvre Palace -- The Great Park -- Showy Pageantry -- Preservation of Noted Things

Chapter XV.

French National Burying-Ground -- Among the Great Dead -- The Shrine of Disappointed Love -- The Story of Abelard and Heloise -- "English Spoken Here" -- "American Drinks Compounded Here" -- Imperial Honors to an American -- The Over-estimated Grisette -- Departure from Paris -- A Deliberate Opinion Concerning the Comeliness of American Women

Chapter XVI.

Versailles -- Paradise Regained -- A Wonderful Park -- Paradise Lost -- Napoleonic Strategy

Chapter XVII.

War -- The American Forces Victorious -- "Home Again" -- Italy in Sight The "City of Palaces" -- Beauty of the Genoese Women -- The "Stub-Hunters" -- Among the Palaces -- Gifted Guide -- Church Magnificence -- "Women not Admitted" -- How the Genoese Live -- Massive Architecture -- A Scrap of Ancient History -- Graves for 60,000

Chapter XVIII.

Flying Through Italy -- Marengo -- First Glimpse of the Famous Cathedral -- Description of some of its Wonders -- A Horror Carved in Stone -- An Unpleasant Adventure -- A Good Man -- A Sermon from the Tomb -- Tons of Gold and Silver -- Some More Holy Relics -- Solomon's Temple

Chapter XIX.

"Do You Wiz zo Haut can be?" -- La Scala -- Petrarch and Laura -- Lucrezia Borgia -- Ingenious Frescoes -- Ancient Roman Amphitheater -- A Clever Delusion -- Distressing Billiards -- The Chief Charm of European Life -- An Italian Bath -- Wanted: Soap -- Crippled French -- Mutilated English -- The Most Celebrated Painting in the World -- Amateur Raptures -- Uninspired Critics -- Anecdote -- A Wonderful Echo -- A Kiss for a Franc

Chapter XX.

Rural Italy by Rail -- Fumigated, According to Law -- The Sorrowing Englishman -- Night by the Lake of Como -- The Famous Lake -- Its Scenery -- Como compared with Tahoe -- Meeting a Shipmate

Chapter XXI.

The Pretty Lago di Lecco -- A Carriage Drive in the Country -- Astonishing Sociability in a Coachman -- Sleepy Land -- Bloody Shrines -- The Heart and Home of Priestcraft -- A Thrilling Mediaeval Romance -- The Birthplace of Harlequin -- Approaching Venice

Chapter XXII.

Night in Venice -- The "Gay Gondolier" -- The Grand Fete by Moonlight -- The Notable Sights of Venice -- The Mother of the Republics Desolate

Chapter XXIII.

The Famous Gondola -- The Gondola in an Unromantic Aspect -- The Great Square of St. Mark and the Winged Lion -- Snobs, at Home and Abroad -- Sepulchers of the Great Dead -- A Tilt at the "Old Masters" -- A Contraband Guide -- The Conspiracy -- Moving Again

Chapter XXIV.

Down Through Italy by Rail -- Idling in Florence -- Dante and Galileo -- An Ungrateful City -- Dazzling Generosity -- Wonderful Mosaics -- The Historical Arno -- Lost Again -- Found Again, but no Fatted Calf Ready -- The Leaning Tower of Pisa -- The Ancient Duomo -- The Old Original First Pendulum that Ever Swung -- An Enchanting Echo -- A New Holy Sepulcher -- A Relic of Antiquity -- A Fallen Republic -- At Leghorn -- At Home Again, and Satisfied, on Board the Ship -- Our Vessel an Object of Grave Suspicion -- Garibaldi Visited -- Threats of Quarantine

Chapter XXV.

The Works of Bankruptcy -- Railway Grandeur -- How to Fill an Empty Treasury -- The Sumptuousness of Mother Church -- Ecclesiastical Splendor -- Magnificence and Misery -- General Execration -- More Magnificence A Good Word for the Priests -- Civita Vecchia the Dismal -- Off for Rome

Chapter XXVI.

The Modern Roman on His Travels -- The Grandeur of St. Peter's -- Holy Relics -- Grand View from the Dome -- The Holy Inquisition -- Interesting Old Monkish Frauds -- The Ruined Coliseum -- The Coliseum in the Days of its Prime -- Ancient Playbill of a Coliseum Performance -- A Roman Newspaper Criticism 1700 Years Old

Chapter XXVII.

"Butchered to Make a Roman Holiday" -- The Man who Never Complained -- An Exasperating Subject -- Asinine Guides -- The Roman Catacombs -- The Saint Whose Fervor Burst his Ribs -- The Miracle of the Bleeding Heart -- The Legend of Ara Coeli

Chapter XXVIII.

Picturesque Horrors -- The Legend of Brother Thomas -- Sorrow Scientifically Analyzed -- A Festive Company of the Dead -- The Great Vatican Museum Artist Sins of Omission -- The Rape of the Sabines -- Papal Protection of Art -- High Price of "Old Masters" -- Improved Scripture -- Scale of Rank of the Holy Personages in Rome -- Scale of Honors Accorded Them -- Fossilizing -- Away for Naples

Chapter XXIX.

Naples -- In Quarantine at Last -- Annunciation -- Ascent of Mount Vesuvius -- A Two Cent Community -- The Black Side of Neapolitan Character -- Monkish Miracles -- Ascent of Mount Vesuvius Continued -- The Stranger and the Hackman -- Night View of Naples from the Mountain-side -- Ascent of Mount Vesuvius Continued

Chapter XXX.

Ascent of Mount Vesuvius Continued -- Beautiful View at Dawn -- Less Beautiful in the Back Streets -- Ascent of Vesuvius Continued -- Dwellings a Hundred Feet High -- A Motley Procession -- Bill of Fare for a Peddler's Breakfast -- Princely Salaries -- Ascent of Vesuvius Continued -- An Average of Prices -- The wonderful "Blue Grotto" -- Visit to Celebrated Localities in the Bay of Naples -- The Poisoned "Grotto of the Dog" -- A Petrified Sea of Lava -- Ascent of Mount Vesuvius Continued -- The Summit Reached -- Description of the Crater -- Descent of Vesuvius

Chapter XXXI.

The Buried City of Pompeii -- How Dwellings Appear that have been Unoccupied for Eighteen hundred years -- The Judgment Seat -- Desolation -- The Footprints of the Departed -- "No Women Admitted" -- Theaters, Bakeshops, Schools -- Skeletons preserved by the Ashes and Cinders -- The Brave Martyr to Duty -- Rip Van Winkle -- The Perishable Nature of Fame

Chapter XXXII.

At Sea Once More -- The Pilgrims all Well -- Superb Stromboli -- Sicily by Moonlight -- Scylla and Charybdis -- The "Oracle" at Fault -- Skirting the Isles of Greece Ancient Athens -- Blockaded by Quarantine and Refused Permission to Enter -- Running the Blockade -- A Bloodless Midnight Adventure -- Turning Robbers from Necessity -- Attempt to Carry the Acropolis by Storm -- We Fail -- Among the Glories of the Past -- A World of Ruined Sculpture -- A Fairy Vision -- Famous Localities -- Retreating in Good Order -- Captured by the Guards -- Traveling in Military State -- Safe on Board Again

Chapter XXXIII.

Modern Greece -- Fallen Greatness -- Sailing Through the Archipelago and the Dardanelles -- Footprints of History -- The First Shoddy Contractor of whom History gives any Account -- Anchored Before Constantinople -- Fantastic Fashions -- The Ingenious Goose-Rancher -- Marvelous Cripples -- The Great Mosque -- The Thousand and One Columns -- The Grand Bazaar of Stamboul

Chapter XXXIV.

Scarcity of Morals and Whiskey -- Slave-Girl Market Report -- Commercial Morality at a Discount -- The Slandered Dogs of Constantinople -- Questionable Delights of Newspaperdom in Turkey -- Ingenious Italian Journalism -- No More Turkish Lunches Desired -- The Turkish Bath Fraud -- The Narghileh Fraud -- Jackplaned by a Native -- The Turkish Coffee Fraud

Chapter XXXV.

Sailing Through the Bosporus and the Black Sea -- "Far-Away Moses" -- Melancholy Sebastopol -- Hospitably Received in Russia -- Pleasant English People -- Desperate Fighting -- Relic Hunting -- How Travelers Form "Cabinets"

Chapter XXXVI.

Nine Thousand Miles East -- Imitation American Town in Russia -- Gratitude that Came Too Late -- To Visit the Autocrat of All the Russias

Chapter XXXVII.

Summer Home of Royalty -- Practicing for the Dread Ordeal -- Committee on Imperial Address -- Reception by the Emperor and Family -- Dresses of the Imperial Party -- Concentrated Power -- Counting the Spoons -- At the Grand Duke's -- A Charming Villa -- A Knightly Figure -- The Grand Duchess -- A Grand Ducal Breakfast -- Baker's Boy, the Famine-Breeder -- Theatrical Monarchs a Fraud -- Saved as by Fire -- The Governor -- General's Visit to the Ship -- Official "Style" -- Aristocratic Visitors -- "Munchausenizing" with Them -- Closing Ceremonies

Chapter XXXVIII.

Return to Constantinople -- We Sail for Asia -- The Sailors Burlesque the Imperial Visitors -- Ancient Smyrna -- The "Oriental Splendor" Fraud -- The "Biblical Crown of Life" -- Pilgrim Prophecy-Savans -- Sociable Armenian Girls -- A Sweet Reminiscence -- "The Camels are Coming, Ha-ha!"

Chapter XXXIX.

Smyrna's Lions -- The Martyr Polycarp -- The "Seven Churches" -- Remains of the Six Smyrnas -- Mysterious Oyster Mine Oysters -- Seeking Scenery -- A Millerite Tradition -- A Railroad Out of its Sphere

Chapter XL.

Journeying Toward Ancient Ephesus -- Ancient Ayassalook -- The Villainous Donkey -- A Fantastic Procession -- Bygone Magnificence -- Fragments of History -- The Legend of the Seven Sleepers

Chapter XLI.

Vandalism Prohibited -- Angry Pilgrims -- Approaching Holy Land! -- The "Shrill Note of Preparation" -- Distress About Dragomans and Transportation -- The "Long Route" Adopted -- In Syria -- Something about Beirut -- A Choice Specimen of a Greek "Ferguson" -- Outfits -- Hideous Horseflesh -- Pilgrim "Style" -- What of Aladdin's Lamp?

Chapter XLII.

"Jacksonville," in the Mountains of Lebanon -- Breakfasting above a Grand Panorama -- The Vanished City -- The Peculiar Steed, "Jericho" -- The Pilgrims Progress -- Bible Scenes -- Mount Hermon, Joshua's Battle Fields, etc. -- The Tomb of Noah -- A Most Unfortunate People

Chapter XLIII.

Patriarchal Customs -- Magnificent Baalbec -- Description of the Ruins -- Scribbling Smiths and Joneses -- Pilgrim Fidelity to the Letter of the Law -- The Revered Fountain of Baalam's Ass

Chapter XLIV.

Extracts from Note-Book -- Mahomet's Paradise and the Bible's -- Beautiful Damascus the Oldest City on Earth -- Oriental Scenes within the Curious Old City -- Damascus Street Car -- The Story of St. Paul -- The "Street called Straight" -- Mahomet's Tomb and St. George's -- The Christian Massacre -- Mohammedan Dread of Pollution -- The House of Naaman -- The Horrors of Leprosy

Chapter XLV.

The Cholera by way of Variety -- Hot -- Another Outlandish Procession -- Pen-and-Ink Photograph of "Jonesborough," Syria -- Tomb of Nimrod, the Mighty Hunter -- The Stateliest Ruin of All -- Stepping over the Borders of Holy-Land -- Bathing in the Sources of Jordan -- More "Specimen" Hunting -- Ruins of Cesarea -- Philippi -- "On This Rock Will I Build my Church" -- The People the Disciples Knew -- The Noble Steed "Baalbec" -- Sentimental Horse Idolatry of the Arabs

Chapter XLVI.

Dan -- Bashan -- Genessaret -- A Notable Panorama -- Smallness of Palestine -- Scraps of History -- Character of the Country -- Bedouin Shepherds -- Glimpses of the Hoary Past -- Mr. Grimes's Bedouins -- A Battle -- Ground of Joshua -- That Soldier's Manner of Fighting -- Barak's Battle -- The Necessity of Unlearning Some Things -- Desolation

Chapter XLVII.

"Jack's Adventure" -- Joseph's Pit -- The Story of Joseph -- Joseph's Magnanimity and Esau's -- The Sacred Lake of Genessaret -- Enthusiasm of the Pilgrims -- Why We did not Sail on Galilee -- About Capernaum -- Concerning the Savior's Brothers and Sisters -- Journeying toward Magdela

Chapter XLVIII.

Curious Specimens of Art and Architecture -- Public Reception of the Pilgrims -- Mary Magdalen's House -- Tiberias and its Queer Inhabitants -- The Sacred Sea of Galilee -- Galilee by Night

Chapter XLIX.

The Ancient Baths -- Ye Apparition -- A Distinguished Panorama -- The Last Battle of the Crusades -- The Story of the Lord of Kerak -- Mount Tabor -- What one Sees from its Top -- Memory of a Wonderful Garden -- The House of Deborah the Prophetess

Chapter L.

Toward Nazareth -- Bitten By a Camel -- Grotto of the Annunciation, Nazareth -- Noted Grottoes in General -- Joseph's Workshop -- A Sacred Boulder -- The Fountain of the Virgin -- Questionable Female Beauty -- Literary Curiosities

Chapter LI.

Boyhood of the Savior -- Unseemly Antics of Sober Pilgrims -- Home of the Witch of Endor -- Nain -- Profanation -- A Popular Oriental Picture -- Biblical Metaphors Becoming steadily More Intelligible -- The Shuuem Miracle -- The "Free Son of The Desert" -- Ancient Jezrael -- Jehu's Achievements -- Samaria and its Famous Siege

Chapter LII.

Curious Remnant of the Past -- Shechem -- The Oldest "First Family" on Earth -- The Oldest Manuscript Extant -- The Genuine Tomb of Joseph -- Jacob's Well -- Shiloh -- Camping with the Arabs -- Jacob's Ladder -- More Desolation -- Ramah, Beroth, the Tomb of Samuel, The Fountain of Beira -- Impatience -- Approaching Jerusalem -- The Holy City in Sight -- Noting Its Prominent Features -- Domiciled Within the Sacred Walls

Chapter LIII.

"The Joy of the Whole Earth" -- Description of Jerusalem -- Church of the Holy Sepulcher -- The Stone of Unction -- The Grave of Jesus -- Graves of Nicodemus and Joseph of Armattea -- Places of the Apparition -- The Finding of the Three Crosses -- The Legend -- Monkish Impostures -- The Pillar of Flagellation -- The Place of a Relic -- Godfrey's Sword -- "The Bonds of Christ" -- "The Center of the Earth" -- Place whence the Dust was taken of which Adam was Made -- Grave of Adam -- The Martyred Soldier -- The Copper Plate that was on the Cross -- The Good St. Helena -- Place of the Division of the Garments -- St. Dimas, the Penitent Thief -- The Late Emperor Maximilian's Contribution -- Grotto wherein the Crosses were Found, and the Nails, and the Crown of Thorns -- Chapel of the Mocking -- Tomb of Melchizedek -- Graves of Two Renowned Crusaders -- The Place of the Crucifixion

Chapter LIV.

The "Sorrowful Way" -- The Legend of St. Veronica's Handkerchief -- An Illustrious Stone -- House of the Wandering Jew -- The Tradition of the Wanderer -- Solomon's Temple -- Mosque of Omar -- Moslem Traditions -- "Women not Admitted" -- The Fate of a Gossip -- Turkish Sacred Relics -- Judgment Seat of David and Saul -- Genuine Precious Remains of Solomon's Temple -- Surfeited with Sights -- The Pool of Siloam -- The Garden of Gethsemane and Other Sacred Localities

Chapter LV.

Rebellion in the Camp -- Charms of Nomadic Life -- Dismal Rumors -- En Route for Jericho and The Dead Sea -- Pilgrim Strategy -- Bethany and the Dwelling of Lazarus -- "Bedouins!" -- Ancient Jericho -- Misery -- The Night March -- The Dead Sea -- An Idea of What a "Wilderness" in Palestine is -- The Holy hermits of Mars Saba -- Good St. Saba -- Women not Admitted -- Buried from the World for all Time -- Unselfish Catholic Benevolence -- Gazelles -- The Plain of the Shepherds -- Birthplace of the Savior, Bethlehem -- Church of the Nativity -- Its Hundred Holy Places -- The Famous "Milk" Grotto -- Tradition -- Return to Jerusalem -- Exhausted

Chapter LVI.

Departure from Jerusalem -- Samson -- The Plain of Sharon -- Arrival at Joppa -- Horse of Simon the Tanner -- The Long Pilgrimage Ended -- Character of Palestine Scenery -- The Curse

Chapter LVII.

The Happiness of being at Sea once more -- "Home" as it is in a Pleasure Ship -- "Shaking Hands" with the Vessel -- Jack in Costume -- His Father's Parting Advice -- Approaching Egypt -- Ashore in Alexandria -- A Deserved Compliment for the Donkeys -- Invasion of the Lost Tribes of America -- End of the Celebrated "Jaffa Colony" -- Scenes in Grand Cairo -- Shepherd's Hotel Contrasted with a Certain American Hotel -- Preparing for the Pyramids

Chapter LVIII.

"Recherche" Donkeys -- A Wild Ride -- Specimens of Egyptian Modesty -- Moses in the Bulrushes -- Place where the Holy Family Sojourned -- Distant view of the Pyramids -- A Nearer View -- The Ascent -- Superb View from the top of the Pyramid -- "Backsheesh! Backsheesh!" -- An Arab Exploit -- In the Bowels of the Pyramid -- Strategy -- Reminiscence of "Holiday's Hill" -- Boyish Exploit -- The Majestic Sphinx -- Things the Author will not Tell -- Grand Old Egypt

Chapter LIX.

Going Home -- A Demoralized Note-Book -- A Boy's Diary -- Mere Mention of Old Spain -- Departure from Cadiz -- A Deserved Rebuke -- The Beautiful Madeiras -- Tabooed -- In the Delightful Bermudas -- An English Welcome -- Good-by to "Our Friends the Bermudians" -- Packing Trunks for Home -- Our First Accident -- The Long Cruise Drawing to a Close -- At Home -- Amen

Chapter LX.

Thankless Devotion

Chapter LXI.

A Newspaper Valedictory

Conclusion.